October 23, 2012

the real deal

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle our experiences and I would be upset with myself down the road if I left out major events in our lives. So, enough of the photos, the beach trip and the fluff. Here's the real deal. Here's what's really going on.

We left the farm because we were unhappy. I had been unhappy for quite some time but stayed pretty quiet about it here. I think we felt so lucky to be there, on that farm, that we didn't dare complain. It was a really tough time for me. So tough, that it began to strip me of who I am. Has that ever happened to you? You're so deep in something for so long that it just becomes the new normal. All of a sudden, one day you look in the mirror and wonder who you're looking at. Am I living life the way I want to teach my son to live?

Things started out great for us there. I had always wanted to have a baby and couldn't wait to experience pregnancy. I was so excited when I got pregnant and thought the happiness of a new baby would fix everything. But then things started to fall apart.

I was depressed and I felt like I was being robbed of the experience I so looked forward to for most of my life. Instead of enjoying the new life inside of me, I was worried about our future and the health of our unborn baby. I cried a lot. I used to call my mom from out in the field and just sob. She would say how sorry she was and that she wished she could just scoop me up and make it all better. I wished she could too.

Luckily, Zander was born healthy and perfect. We were happy and so in love with him but there was always a sense of dread as by now, Nate had become unhappy too and we feared the inevitable.

How could this be happening? This was supposed to be it. A place where we could finally put some roots down. We came to terms with reality and finally made the decision that we didn't want to live that way. We'd been in search of a happy and healthy place to farm and raise our family for five years and we deserved to find it. Zander deserved it. Our love for our new son inspired us to strive for true happiness. We've lived and worked with several people in those five years and we've learned so much. It's time, we decided, to find a place of our own. We've carried along this dream of ours for so long and it will wait patiently until we find the right place.

So, we left. We left the animals we loved and moved Zander away from the only home he knew. Now, we've been through some pain and heartache in this farming adventure of ours, but one of the hardest things I've ever done was watch the man I love walk away from the wood-fired oven of his dreams. That oven symbolized so much for him. His unborn son growing in the womb alongside him as he worked tirelessly to build it. His blood and sweat. The dream we shared of starting the business we spent so much time researching, planning and preparing for. Talk about heartache. It's as if a small piece of Nate was left behind, and I often wonder if he'll ever be the same.

Our friends and family were beyond supportive and that really helped. Even though it felt like we were leaving our entire world behind, the happiness and relief we felt once we'd left was proof enough that we'd made the right decision.

There will be another oven, on another farm for this family.

And so the search for a new farm began . . . again.

October 4, 2012

the beach

We went to the beach a few weeks ago for the first time since we started farming 5 years ago. We were never able to leave our animals, so going away was never an option.

We went to the island of Chincoteague, VA, where the wild ponies roam, and it was beautiful. We rented a house with a group of friends and had a great time. We saw the ponies and lots of other native wildlife, went to the beach, did some crabbing, got attacked by mosquitoes (twice), saw an amazing sunset and ate some great food.

Zander was in the midst of teething woes for the first few days of the trip but even then he had a blast. He loved the beach and played in the sand for hours. He got so upset when it was time to stop playing and go back to the house.

We loved spending time with friends and watching Zander experience it all.