September 29, 2012

fear and doubt

I can't do this.

That's the thought that ran through my head at 3am. I awoke to a whimper and the feeling of a very hot baby next to me in bed. The whimpering quickly turned into a full-on cry . . . and then screaming.

My baby had a fever.

I stood in the dark with my heart pounding, swaying and rocking my son. He was so uncomfortable that he wriggled and squirmed in my arms. He would drift off to sleep only to wake up and cry. I couldn't comfort him and I was scared. He'd had a low fever on and off for a few days but nothing like this. I'm pretty sure it was all teething-related but the dark and early hours have a way of bringing on the fear and desperation. It was hard to think through the screaming and I couldn't believe how stressed I was. To make matters worse, we were at the beach, away from home and without my tool kit of homeopathic remedies and herbs.

I can't do this.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus. Ok, maybe I can do this. I'm his mother and all he needs is for me to love him. He just needs to feel my arms around him and know I'm there. I sang songs and told stories. I tried to come off as being calm, despite the fear in my stomach. I wrapped us both in a blanket and stepped out on the balcony in the cool and salty night air. After a few hours of walking and rocking, he began to relax and finally fell asleep. I was relieved and exhausted. In the morning Nate took a photo of us, still asleep. (I would share it but my boob is hanging out.) In the photo, Z was sleeping with a smile on his face. No more fever and our baby was back to his bright, smiling self. And so was I.

We had made it through the first rough nighttime fever.    

As I walk this unknown path of motherhood, there are times I doubt myself. Times I'm not sure if I can do it or if I'm doing it right. I sometimes feel like I don't want to do it at all. What I do know is that I have a love for this boy like no other and that I love being his mother.

Yep, I think I can do this.

September 26, 2012

another one for the scrapbook

Zander got to meet Joel Salatin at the Mother Earth News Fair! I'd say he looks pretty happy about that.

September 6, 2012

to zander ~ love, mama

You're 9 months old today!

You wake up every day with the biggest smile on your face.  In fact, you smile all the time, at everyone. I wonder if you'll ever know how you make a person feel when you smile at them. It's just magical.

 You are in constant motion these days and just yesterday, much to our surprise, you learned how to climb the stairs. You're already cruising around the room holding onto furniture and today you stood on your own for a few seconds. I'm preparing myself for you to be an early walker. You're growing so fast so I'm trying to soak in every moment. I love nursing you and watching you sleep.

Your favorite things right now are riding on Daddy's shoulders and playing chase with him. I love watching the two of you crawl around the floor. You chase him and he chases you. You laugh and squeal. My heart swells watching you both.

I'm sorry that the last few months have been so hard. We hated having to uproot you from the only home you ever knew but I think you know that we weren't happy there. It's been really hard for us but you've been amazing though it all. You're so adaptable and you make it impossible to be depressed about the situation because after all, we have you.

We promise that whatever it takes, we're going to make our farm dream come true.

Happy 9 months, little one. You've captured our hearts.  

photo by Andy Johanson
photo by Andy Johanson
photo by Andy Johanson
photo by Andy Johanson