June 27, 2014

letting go

When it comes down to it, when it really matters, I'm not very good at this blogging thing. Whenever there's something huge happening in our lives, something that might not be appropriate for public eyes to read, I have a hard time thinking about anything else, let alone writing about it. It's hard for me to write about insignificant things, like what we did over the weekend, or fun things we did with Zander, when there's something really big going on. I'm sure it's something all bloggers struggle with. Just how much of my life do I really want to put out there? But I always come back to this one thought... This is meant to be a journal of our lives, something to look back on and to share with our children, and I hate having such big gaps in our story. I can count the gaps, there are just a few, and I can remember exactly what major events were happening then. Out of respect for others and just general awkwardness, I couldn't say much about it. This is no exception. Only this time, it's more complicated.

I had intended to write more, in detail, about what we've been dealing with since August, 2012, when we left the last farm. I wish I could have been writing as we were going through it. It would have helped so much. Those close to us know just how hard it's been. Too much of our energy was spent in negative ways dealing with all of it and it consumed us. We felt hurt, angry, wronged and cheated. It appears, however, that there's no way to win an unfair fight, and we had to make the decision to walk away and let it all go. Though it's been a hard one, this decision has been unexpectedly freeing, like a huge weight has been lifted and we're confident it was the right thing to do. I'm sure that all sounds incredibly vague, but that's the way it needs to be right now. Someday I'll write a book about all of the crazy things we've encountered along the way. But for now, let this serve as a place marker and a way for us to move on and continue our story.

This farming journey has taught us so much more than how to grow vegetables and raise animals. We've learned huge life lessons full of love, accomplishment, disappointment and pain. Most importantly, we've learned to respect ourselves, trust our instincts, and not to regret the decisions and choices we've made along the way. For they have shaped us and made us who we are. And that, my friends, is what the journey is all about.