October 23, 2013

you're going to break my heart

Someday, sweet boy of mine, you're going to break my heart. Right now, although a divine combination of amazing and exhausting, you need me. You need me a lot. You depend on me for comfort, for help falling asleep, and for my milk.

But I can see it...

I can see that you're trying to grow up and have some independence. I can see that you're starting to really bond and have the time of your life with your daddy. Sometimes you choose him over me and I love that. I love to watch you two together. Someone once told me that there was nothing better than having a child with the man you love. All of a sudden, there is a new, smaller version of him that the two of you made together, out of love. She was right, it's amazing. Most days I feel I could just explode with love.

But I can see it...

There will come a day when you no longer need me this way. And then you'll start to pull away and before I know it, the days where I embarrass you and you no longer allow me to kiss you in public will be upon us.

I love watching you grow and I celebrate every milestone. I'm not resisting your growing up, my love, I promise. I'm just preparing myself.

See, no one ever told me how completely consuming motherhood can be. How easy it is to neglect your own needs and to lose your identity.

No one ever told me that you have to just let go, that having control is a thing of the past.

No one ever told me that perhaps the secret is to embrace the chaos, instead of fighting it.

No one ever told me just how wonderful it is to watch your child discover and experience the world.

No one ever told me how beautiful and painful it is to love someone so fiercely.

No one ever told me that motherhood would be the hardest and the best thing I've ever done

No one ever told me that you'd break my heart.

Go easy on me, little one. This is my first time.

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