September 29, 2012

fear and doubt

I can't do this.

That's the thought that ran through my head at 3am. I awoke to a whimper and the feeling of a very hot baby next to me in bed. The whimpering quickly turned into a full-on cry . . . and then screaming.

My baby had a fever.

I stood in the dark with my heart pounding, swaying and rocking my son. He was so uncomfortable that he wriggled and squirmed in my arms. He would drift off to sleep only to wake up and cry. I couldn't comfort him and I was scared. He'd had a low fever on and off for a few days but nothing like this. I'm pretty sure it was all teething-related but the dark and early hours have a way of bringing on the fear and desperation. It was hard to think through the screaming and I couldn't believe how stressed I was. To make matters worse, we were at the beach, away from home and without my tool kit of homeopathic remedies and herbs.

I can't do this.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus. Ok, maybe I can do this. I'm his mother and all he needs is for me to love him. He just needs to feel my arms around him and know I'm there. I sang songs and told stories. I tried to come off as being calm, despite the fear in my stomach. I wrapped us both in a blanket and stepped out on the balcony in the cool and salty night air. After a few hours of walking and rocking, he began to relax and finally fell asleep. I was relieved and exhausted. In the morning Nate took a photo of us, still asleep. (I would share it but my boob is hanging out.) In the photo, Z was sleeping with a smile on his face. No more fever and our baby was back to his bright, smiling self. And so was I.

We had made it through the first rough nighttime fever.    

As I walk this unknown path of motherhood, there are times I doubt myself. Times I'm not sure if I can do it or if I'm doing it right. I sometimes feel like I don't want to do it at all. What I do know is that I have a love for this boy like no other and that I love being his mother.

Yep, I think I can do this.


  1. Yes you can...when your child falls and splits his lip open and when he comes home from school with a bully story and when he goes into the service to help those after the worst Tsunami in history. You will do it over and over and be a better woman because of it. Well done Mommy!

  2. I know I have so much more of this in my future. Thanks, Donna!