fear and doubt

I can't do this.

That's the thought that ran through my head at 3am. I awoke to a whimper and the feeling of a very hot baby next to me in bed. The whimpering quickly turned into a full-on cry . . . and then screaming.

My baby had a fever.

I stood in the dark with my heart pounding, swaying and rocking my son. He was so uncomfortable that he wriggled and squirmed in my arms. He would drift off to sleep only to wake up and cry. I couldn't comfort him and I was scared. He'd had a low fever on and off for a few days but nothing like this. I'm pretty sure it was all teething-related but the dark and early hours have a way of bringing on the fear and desperation. It was hard to think through the screaming and I couldn't believe how stressed I was. To make matters worse, we were at the beach, away from home and without my tool kit of homeopathic remedies and herbs.

I can't do this.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus. Ok, maybe I can do this. I'm his mother and all he needs is for me to love him. He just needs to feel my arms around him and know I'm there. I sang songs and told stories. I tried to come off as being calm, despite the fear in my stomach. I wrapped us both in a blanket and stepped out on the balcony in the cool and salty night air. After a few hours of walking and rocking, he began to relax and finally fell asleep. I was relieved and exhausted. In the morning Nate took a photo of us, still asleep. (I would share it but my boob is hanging out.) In the photo, Z was sleeping with a smile on his face. No more fever and our baby was back to his bright, smiling self. And so was I.

We had made it through the first rough nighttime fever.    

As I walk this unknown path of motherhood, there are times I doubt myself. Times I'm not sure if I can do it or if I'm doing it right. I sometimes feel like I don't want to do it at all. What I do know is that I have a love for this boy like no other and that I love being his mother.

Yep, I think I can do this.

another one for the scrapbook

Zander got to meet Joel Salatin at the Mother Earth News Fair! I'd say he looks pretty happy about that.

to zander ~ love, mama

You're 9 months old today!

You wake up every day with the biggest smile on your face.  In fact, you smile all the time, at everyone. I wonder if you'll ever know how you make a person feel when you smile at them. It's just magical.

 You are in constant motion these days and just yesterday, much to our surprise, you learned how to climb the stairs. You're already cruising around the room holding onto furniture and today you stood on your own for a few seconds. I'm preparing myself for you to be an early walker. You're growing so fast so I'm trying to soak in every moment. I love nursing you and watching you sleep.

Your favorite things right now are riding on Daddy's shoulders and playing chase with him. I love watching the two of you crawl around the floor. You chase him and he chases you. You laugh and squeal. My heart swells watching you both.

I'm sorry that the last few months have been so hard. We hated having to uproot you from the only home you ever knew but I think you know that we weren't happy there. It's been really hard for us but you've been amazing though it all. You're so adaptable and you make it impossible to be depressed about the situation because after all, we have you.

We promise that whatever it takes, we're going to make our farm dream come true.

Happy 9 months, little one. You've captured our hearts.  

photo by Andy Johanson

photo by Andy Johanson

photo by Andy Johanson

photo by Andy Johanson

these days

The weeks leading up to our departure from the farm were hard. Really hard. So now that we're at our new (temporary) home, we've been trying to make up for that for Zander, and for us. The last few weeks here have been full of sighs of relief, exciting and fun times, family, smiles and laughter. And honestly, it's been great.

Zander is like a totally different person here. There was a major mold problem in our living situation on the farm. We knew it was an issue but thought we had it under control. We discovered just how bad it was when we were in the process of moving out. Mold was on everything and many things were totally ruined and had to be thrown away. We know that mold is no joke. Zander had just started really wanting to crawl but we just weren't comfortable letting him crawl around and touch all of the moldy surfaces that were being uncovered as we moved things. We tried to take him outside as much as possible to crawl around but moving is a big job and we wanted to finish quickly. We were trying to pack and move and he wanted to get into everything and unpack all of our boxes. I did a lot of our packing and moving with him on my back. Needless to say, it wasn't much fun for any of us.

Now that we're in a healthy house, Zander has really blossomed. He's crawling everywhere like a pro and loves to walk while pushing things across the floor. He has four teeth, he's talking, laughing and playing drums! He's so much happier which I'm sure has a lot to do with the fact that we're so much happier.

This new change has been especially great for Nate and Zander. It's like they're really getting to know each other. Nate is usually so busy on the farm and not around most of the day but right now, we all have a lot of time to spend with each other. He's growing up so fast and will only be this age once so I'm glad our family has this right now. Believe me, the weight of the situation is heavy. Leaving the farm mid-season was a difficult but necessary decision. We hope this transition is temporary as we hope to find a farm very soon but for right now, we're loving sharing these moments together.

I'll write more about why we left another time but as I said, it was really, really hard. So for now, we're just trying to let it all go and move on.

Who knew the boy LOVES to swing?

And the boy also loves his Opa.

Sand!

My boys.

Someone had way too much fun hiking with Daddy.

Zander's view of an elephant at the zoo.

 

Zander's first concert - Jane's Addiction!

Jane Says.

third time's a charm?

"You sure chose a hard life when you decided to go into farming." -my mother lovingly reminds me when things get tough.

This is true, I know.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know our journey has not been a smooth one. It's been full of bumps and bruises, as well as beauty, fun and adventure. The last few years on this farm have been no exception.

Nate, Zander and I are leaving Blackberry Meadows. The past year has been hard for us for reasons I won't go into and we've had to decide what's best for our family. We'll be staying with family while we search for a farm of our own. One where we can continue the work we love.

We've cancelled future baby chick and turkey orders and processed or found homes for the rest of our chickens. Our pigs have been processed. The lambs will stay here with the other sheep and Ella and Lucy will stay here as well.

Please keep us in your thoughts and send us some love as we pack up our lives and prepare to walk away from the farm that we love, the animals we love, and possibly, the wood-fired oven we love.

four things

Not the happiest of days for our little family of three right now, but I'll talk more about that later. For now, there are four things I've learned in the past few weeks:

1.  Hard times bring a family closer together. (and also challenge your sanity.)

2.  Teething is no joke. (seriously. we're talking head spinning, ala Exorcist.)

3.  Babies do not stay lap babies for very long. (and boy, are my arms tired.)

4.  You have not lived until you've spent an entire day processing 73 chickens in 90+ degree heat,  with a baby on your back. (we are ever so grateful for help from friends.)


As we trudge onward into the unknown and try to sort out our future, there is one thing that keeps us grounded, hopeful and full of love.

This face, these eyes, that smile.

photo by the talented Andy Johanson

photo by Andy Johanson

photo by Andy Johanson

There are good things and happier days to come. We're going to be fine.

P.S. Don't worry, this blog wont be all about Zander. Promise. He's just the best thing going right now.

one summer day

We were lucky enough to have a visit from my beautiful cousin and her awesome photographer husband a few weeks ago. He captured part of our day on the farm.

photos by Demian Aspinwall